We gotta build that dumbass wall.
Yeah, I mean THAT wall. "The Wall," if you will, because it's going to save our f#*king lives.
Hear me out. A lot to unpack here, but I think it lands on a modest proposal.
After being in office for less than a week, the president has already hinted that he'd like to bring back torture. Not bashful about it, either. Our president is pro-torture, which makes for a very horrifying campaign button. I'll spare us all a rehashing of the other travesties that have been splashed across the news during that time. I give it a couple months before he starts declaring golden statues with very substantial hands be erected in his image. The onslaught of crazy and its trajectory lead me to one path that might just get us out out of this teacup ride through Hell:
Grandpa needs a hobby.
We gotta keep this guy busy. Idle hands are LITERALLY becoming the Devil's Workshop. We let him sit around too long, and he's gonna come up with crazier and crazier shit, and given where we're already at, I'm not enthused to see what The Orange One lets fly from his magical bag of tricks. He never fails to astound—and not in a David Copperfield way. But if he's got something to keep him busy, that gives him less time to spend hurdling us into a dystopian nightmare from which there is no escape.
And The Wall gets the job done.
It's a project with no end. He could spend the next four years just trying to plan it. All the experts say it's a bloated, needlessly complex, money-sucking nonstarter. Just building the roads to ship in the materials would take years. Permits, zoning, negotiations, lawsuits...it'll be a nightmare, or in other words...
It's perfect.
The President is a hands-on kind of guy (no distateful, Cosby-like pun intended). If it's a construction project with his name on it—and we've gotta make sure his name is all over it—he'll be micromanaging like a MF. He'll be down in Texas for four years kicking the tires on that wall to nowhere. We'll be bombarded with pictures of him standing in front of equipment and steel beams, overwhelmed with updates about how well its going, deluged with the drama of every hiccup. He won't have time to do anything else. I repeat: HE WON'T HAVE TIME TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
No time to privitize school
No time for gutting healthcare
No time for fucking torturing people.
And we've gotta make it a more imposing wall every day. It's gotta get bigger and better, every time it gets mentioned. It'll make the GOP lose their shit! They'll be so busy trying to keep him from spending us into a hole and arguing which contractors from their state should have a piece of the pie, they, too, will have no time for anything else. And that's good.
Worst case scenario: it actually gets built.
So what?
Have we forgotten that it won't accomplish anything? We're not really cutting anyone off. There aren't "millions of people pouring over the border." And the ones that are coming over the border are just gonna go around, under or over a wall. The wall is a burn on Mexico, but it's not as much of a burn as actually doing something substantial to harm them—which again, ain't nobody gonna have time for that. We'll smooth it over with Mexico, like: "Hey, you don't want him dropping bombs, right? Because if China comes rolling over here, chances are they'll be coming through your yard to do it."
The whole time SOMEBODY'S going to have to build the wall, and damn sure they've got to be Americans. But who could they be, I wonder...Wait...I've got an idea...
How about all those out of work, Trump-voting factory workers looking for employment? You know how many people it would take to build a 1,000 mile wall? They'd have to be brought in by the truckload. Plus, it's the perfect excuse for retraining. Coal's never coming back, but steel and concrete construction is gonna be around for a long-ass time. When my buddy was training to be a chef, he said he burned through hundreds of potatoes, just learning how to cut them properly. Same principle, because we DO need massive overhauls in infrastructure, and walls and freeways and high speed rail are essentially made of the same shit.
Plus everyone with a Make America Great Again hat will be down in Texas with a shovel instead of rolling coal in my hometown. Maybe some time around Mexico would give them a greater appreciation for who they think they want to keep out.
So while it began as a distasteful symbol of America's underlying racism, I feel like we could really turn this dumbass wall idea into a full-fledged distraction from certain doom. Once he's out, nobody's gonna keep at it. It'll fall into disrepair and crumble. What'll be left is an overflow of laborers ready to get to building some trains and a better power grid.
So everytime His Pumpkinness starts rattling on about how he's gonna totally change healthcare or send the FBI into Chicago, we should just keep hitting him with wall talk.
It was his dumbest idea, but it might just save our asses.