Worst. Product. Ever.
Dear Makers of Floss,
No.
And don't come back without a better product. We've heard what you have to say. Every dentist in the world tries to push the stuff on us. Drug dealers lean on you less to buy product. It's not like we've never heard of floss. We, as a species, just don't care for it.
And it's been, like, 200 years of this, yet somehow, you're not getting the picture.
Where does the money for the floss lobby come from? Is there an evil cabal of floss manufactures with naked pictures of every senator and congressperson? Is floss in bed with Big Oil or something? One roll costs a dollar, and it lasts for a million years. There's still unused floss from Ancient Egyptians, I'm sure. You've gotta have, like, NO MONEY from sales. So how are you still kicking?
What's an R&D meeting of dental inventors play out like?
Boss: "Toothbrushes, how are we doing?"
Toothbrush Guy: "We've got a bluetooth brush that shows which parts of your mouth you've been missing and syncs up with the Apple Health app."
Boss: "Fantastic. Mouthwash, where are we on the new line?"
Mouthwash Guy: "We've incorporated nanotechnology that will rebuild enamel while it whitens. Ready for human trials next month."
Boss: "Incredible! Floss, what do you have for me?"
Floss Guy: "So we're thinking string. Like, you pull it between your teeth with your bare hands."
Unimpressed Boss: "Huh. What do focus groups think of it?"
Nervous Floss Guy: "Oh, well, they just hate it. Pretty much universally despised by everyone who's ever tried it."
Visibly Annoyed Boss: "I see. Any ideas on how to fix that?"
Defeated Floss Guy: "Uhh...minty wax coating?"
Floss has to be the only product where the typical result is bleeding from the mouth. Every other product, that's on the warning label. Tell a dentist that happens, they just say "Yeah, you'll have that."
Levi Spear Parmley invented floss, and doesn't that just sound like the kind of name a deranged monster who invented floss would have. I think that's the worst thing you could get famous for. That's right up there with the inventor of taxes. Parmley (God, I even hate typing it) probably heard the phrase "oh, so you're that asshole" more than anyone in history.
Just go back to the drawing board, floss people. There's gotta be a better way. Maybe awesome lasers or some thing with carbon fiber (because people love that stuff). If it turns out there's no way, then figure out how to plug between teeth, so we can be done with this tyranny.
Sincerely,
Everybody Everywhere